On Fashion.

I haven't ''always'' loved fashion but by the time I was 14, I was already reading the most popular fashion magazines and begging my grandma to get them for me. I remember Vogue, Bazaar were imported and quite expensive at that time. Unlike the society pressure nowadays I saw fashion as a form of escapism. I loved looking at the outfits, learning which brand designed what and everything felt quite attainable to me as a part of my magical world. While to other people that world feels fake and far away, for me it felt close and relatable. I remember mentioning to my classmates in school I wanted to be a model in a future. ''You will never make it'', they told me. Every single thing anyone has ever told me I couldn't do, I did. It wasn't going to be different with this one.

I really wanted to be a part of it and i was, not without some sacrifices. Even when I stopped doing fashion modeling I retained my love for fashion. I didn't exactly fit the fashion paradigm in that there is a lot of smoke and mirrors in there, and many people will take advantage of everything they can about you or use it to put your down. It is also extremely competitive so I was seen as too 'nice'. I also didn't quite fit the regular people world because many found me aloof, arrogant and with a rich people attitude. I ended up somewhere in the middle and I took it as being part of both worlds.

When Angel and I met, I was used to people reacting in various ways to my fashion hobby. They found it either shallow and therefore considered me shallow - a funny association with someone's character which I gladly played into - or they admired it, felt they could relate. I was never interested in proving myself to the first mentioned category and found them quite judgy and insecure~

It felt like Angel disliked fashion, while also being somewhat interested in it. I remember she used to show me a lot of outfits actors would wear and we commented on that. I took that as her own way of getting used to it. I sensed her apprehension and felt...there was some insecurity there. She told me we might belong to different worlds...this never mattered to me because I don't feel I belong to a particular world. I definitely didn't want to cause anything at all that would cause her to feel bad about herself in any way, fashion or otherwise. Even though she would appear as a very strong person I knew there was a lot more to it. She showed me her outfits...that felt like a very sensitive topic that I really didn't know how to tackle because people are pretty cut through in fashion. I just had to use my instinct...we took them one by one and I shared my opinions. I never wanted someone I loved to feel any other way than beautiful, at least not around me. I feel that's so important...we had talks during that period and she shared with me how she really feels, things she went through...I didn't think it was fair for her to be rejected from places she might have liked visiting. And people can be mean and sometimes cruel...

I felt Angel was insecure about her body but would never admit it. I saw it in the way she talked about clothes, her rejection of fashion, her dismissal of it. There was some bitterness. It made me wanna show her its not a big bad wolf but can be something fun, regardless of your body shape. I remember we had different ideas about what 'sexy' meant and while for her a tight short dress was sexy, for me it was all about the attitude. Wearing something flattering, owning it, retaining some mystery and intrigue. Everything is so sexualized in the media that everyone is seen as a piece of meat, or looking to Kim Kardashian for fashion advice. I don't think I reacted the way she expected me to to her sexy outfits, and I felt bad about that because the idea i wanted to convey was: ''I find you sexy in anything, and its your attitude that brings that feeling on, not the other way around''. I still believe this, altough of course I greatly appreciate the appeal of an outfit I find intriguing in all sorts of ways.

I understood how she felt because I had an eating disorder for a long time. I am good at encouraging people to become their best self.

Not through critique, which by the way never works. It’s the quickest way to alienate people and bring them down but some enjoy seeing a person going from top to bottom to feel better about themselves. This happens a lot in fashion. Also, stealing peoples ideas and presenting them as a part of their personality happens a lot. Luckily, no one can keep that facade for long at a closer look. You just can’t be what you aren’t.

This is why I wanted to encourage Angel to find her own voice and style. I showed her a lot of outfits about which she said weren’t her style, but started liking after a while. She didn't like much to go shopping, while I love shopping and trying different outfits. i even try on ugly clothes just for the fun of it and because it makes me laugh to see just how terrible some clothes are. Lol

Our shopping trips didn't happen often but when they did it was fun and lasted for hours. I knew she wasn't all that comfortable and became easily tired of it, so I went by her pace and suggested anything that could make it a more chill experience. At the end of the day she was usually happy with that she bought and that definitely gave me some positive feedback. I also encouraged her not to be intimidated by sale assistants or rush.

I want to acknowledge the fact that having been a model and having kept that figure more or less, I encountered less frustrations than people with different body shapes. I know because I've been there, and this is not because of the body shape but due to how clothes are being designed. I noticed a long time ago that me wearing a particular outfit and walking out of the dressing room made some people want to try on the same one. I realized this was an asset I could use in perhaps, helping others find their perfect one.

Things have changed quite a lot since the beginning, and Angel has come a long way in finding her own unique style. She did a great job and I loved being part of every step of the journey.