“I DON’T ENJOY SHOPPING!!!”

By Ángela Hernández

Edited by Jewel

“I don’t enjoy shopping!!!” was one of my frequent lines pretty much until recently. Not long ago, I made an entry in our Instagram account asking if people had had a hard time matching their clothes with their work environment. I feel like sharing more about it. I, personally, had a hard time figuring it out. Growing up, I found difficult to match what I wanted to wear with what was accepted, especially when it came to special events. Looking back I feel it was my own journey finding peace within me, and deciding what from the external world would I allow in, and where to draw my own boundaries.

One of my first uncomfortable feelings with clothing was when I was about 10 years old. I was buying my first jeans and they were so uncomfortable and tight; so restrictive. My parents bought them, they were for a special occasion, a baptism; but I decided right then and there I hated jeans and they did not go well with me.

I think around that time I also began to feel fat. Looking back to the baptism pictures, it wasn’t anything more than a small belly, but I felt overweight. The only times in my life I remember being called thin was when I was a child, around 4-6 years old. And that other time when an Argentinian guy and I raced for a cab, we both got in he told me: “Bajate flaca! Bajate!”. Something like get off the taxi, you skinny one!

That day I just laughed at being called something I appreciated by a man that was clearly being kind of rude. I got off the taxi. Other than in those two occasions I always felt somewhat uncomfortable in my body.

Sadly, this isn’t news for girls growing up, and I was no exception. However, looking back at the pics I wasn’t anywhere near how I felt I was. And funnily, when I did gain significant weight, I wasn’t so in touch with my body to really perceive it.

By the end of high school I had lost some weight and was actually making of jeans my friends again. I liked how I looked. So, jeans, shirts, jackets were my usual outfits once I entered university.

When I graduated and got my first job, I went to buy some “elegant” clothing, what I considered would be appropriate and acceptable at work, but had a hard time finding anything comfortable. I wanted some color (everything was black), I wanted to look good (I didn’t feel good in those clothes, so I didn’t look good), and I wanted to feel comfortable (hard when it comes to formal outfits). That match proved to be more difficult than I had expected. Everything to me felt like old lady’s clothing, nothing felt young, and office like.

Fortunately I found a place that had some nice colorful shirts that I matched with black pants, and that was ok for my first corporate job.

Shoes, just like clothes, have also been hard to find, but I found some black boots that were kind of perfect.

The firm had no major issue with my clothing, except for Friday outfits that were too… casual? Maybe? For them, even though the company didn’t have a strict dress code.

Party outfits turned out to be yet another nightmare for me.. What I felt was sexy and appropriate didn’t seem to match some clubs standards because I was not allowed in many times. Of course, later on I understood that this had to do more with discriminative and unregulated policies the clubs had than with my looks.

So, the clothes I felt comfortable in, usually weren’t the same people and places found appropriate for those special occasions. And I still didn’t feel that comfortable in many.

Therefore, going shopping was a nightmare that I avoided until I really, really needed something. Which was useful and super aligned with my environmental ideas.

All this until very recently (around 3 years ago), when I found out that I had a real trauma regarding shopping for clothing. There were several factors at play here, like ideas of body image, how the media portrayed the ideal female body, my culture’s idea of sexiness, my lack of understanding of appropriateness, and my lack of understanding of what suited my body.

Even though I had an “idea” of what shape my body had I didn’t know what cuts looked better on it. Skinny pants? ”A” shaped Skirts? Pencil skirts? So, I would look at some outfits that I loved, and when I tried them on, they didn’t look flattering on me. I thought it was my body. But it wasn’t. Later on I understood that some cuts favored some silhouettes more, independently of the body shape. Some look great on skinny people, some look great on curvy people. But I didn’t know that back then.

Looking back I also understood I had little understanding of appropriateness. I was raised to rebel against what was imposed on me, so that didn’t make it easy. I wanted to look sexy, and feel comfortable, and be young, and all in one outfit. So all my outfits tend to be similar. At work I had some cleavages, that were okay but I wasn’t always comfortable in those. And when going partying I had the same office outfits, that I thought were “formal” enough to let me in the clubs, but apparently weren’t because they still didn’t let me in.

I hated all the shows like “What not to wear”, and any that tried to transform anyone’s wardrobe telling them what they should or shouldn’t wear and how they would look better in their eyes.

My sister has an innate understanding of clothing. She looks good, and appropriate and super classy and feels good in her clothing independently of her body shape. She tries stuff, she uses accessories.

With her I understood a little better clothing and was able to try on more stuff. Still, I had deep rooted fears and pain that didn’t allow me to go too much out of my comfort zone.

So, one day I had a conversation with someone who understood my pain. He loved fashion and he also loved me, and he understood the pain I had been going through for so long. We talked and talked and talked, and I realized how much pain I felt regarding this topic, how many fears I had, I would began to shake when having these conversations.

With time, I dared to try on new stuff and new cuts like long kimonos; and I began to distance myself from my culture’s perception of sexiness (tight). I made time for going shopping, and I would take breaks and would eat (in the past I didn’t eat to “fit” better in the clothes I was trying on; and not to feel awful about it, but that always had me drained from energy at the end). Food allowed me to have more time to choose better and to buy even better fitting clothing that would give me some air to breathe when I ate wearing it.

And slowly, by being validated and having my pain being seen, I began to explore and find my style. I began to understand that some outfits are better for a club, others at work, and both can be equally sexy. I began to shake off the imposition I had felt for years about what should I wear and I began to see fashion more like a tool and also an expression outlet.

Now, even sharing this story I can still feel a bit of the sadness from that past pain; however, I feel more the real comfort I’ve experienced by being able to spend time in choosing what I want, by feeling appropriate with what I wear, by also breaking accepted styles in my own terms, and most of all by finding items I feel and look good in.

I’ve found Jeans that are comfortable and don’t suffocate my waistline, hoodie long jackets that cover me when I feel cold, elegant colorful flat shoes that are comfortable for special occasions, dresses that are incredibly sexy and in which I feel comfortable in.

I’ve understood that I can be appropriate and it doesn’t take anything away from me. It actually makes me feel better in many occasions. And I can also make a bold choice, even if people don’t always agree because it’s mine and I am using my outfits as an expression of myself. And I can do that in spaces that are safe for me.

I have healed so much my view on my body. I love my body. I have left aside the idea of needing to be a size 8 or 6, and have favored more the one about buying clothing that makes me feel and look good.

So, yeah, going back to the post picture, that is an outfit in the past I would have loved to wear to work someday or partying; with a jacket maybe. Now I would enjoy it on my holidays or on a chill date near the beach, or going for a coffee and working on my laptop, or, maybe, while I stay at home.